Very sorry it's been so quiet on this end.  Lots of crap at work, plus lots of stress about...everything in general, means I have managed to get myself quite sick.

Still sick, but it's Friday so I'll have this weekend to try and recover.  (Stupid Air Force with no sick days unless you go to the hospital to "prove" you're sick...)

And I know I've definitely been neglecting the Cara pictures, which is a shame because she's getting so cute!  I'll try to post some when I get home today.

Laters!

Wow, I feel a bit sheepish now.  I didn't mean to make you guys worry...I was just really tired and had to hurry so I could get some sleep.

So, I guess it's story time!  I suggest packing a lunch (or at least a nice snack), as this might take a while.  Okay, here we go!

Ever since coming to Turkey, I've had a very distinct feeling of...dissatisfaction.  It's true I wasn't necessarily happy when I was still in Louisiana, but I had some good friends there (one of who loved watching Cara for us while we were working) and it was relatively close to home.  I could at least call every day and vent to Mom and Dad.  But I was still excited to be leaving Barksdale.  New base, new experience, new everything.  Although I do recall one of my supervisors warning me that, as bad as Barksdale was, going to Incirlik might not necessarily be better.

Man, I should have listened to him.  While it's true I do miss being able to talk to my parents on a daily basis, that's not what finally caused me to snap.  It's the work schedule and the day care schedule being, to use a technical term, completely snooking loopy!  We only have enough people in my shop to cover one shift, so we have to work about 11 hours a day to get everything done.  The CDC (Child Development Center, a.k.a. day care) is only open for 11 1/2 hours.  This works for nearly everyone on base...except our guys.  Many days, those of us with children are getting there just before they're about to close.

This also means I drop Cara off at 0630 (when they open) and if I'm lucky, I get to pick her up around 5pm.  Then we have to rush home and get dinner started so we can eat by 6, but by the time she finishes there's only about an hour left for us to play together before I have to get her ready for bed.

When I reenlisted back in July 07, Cara was only a few months old.  At the time I thought it'd be a breeze to do both work and take care of her...and for a while it was!  But that's because newborns don't really interact a lot.  Now that she's getting bigger, she wants to play and snuggle and hug and just be with me.  Just a few weeks ago she started sitting on my feet as soon as we get to her room at the CDC to try and keep me there with her.  And it's made me realize something...

...I can't do both.

I can't be an Airman AND be a mom.  It's a choice that I made, but I'm starting to understand that it's not the right one anymore.  I mean, I'M the one who joined the Air Force, not Cara.  Why should she have to suffer for it?  Lately at work, all I seem to be able to think about is what life would be like as a stay-at-home mom.  I could finish up both my CCAF (Community College of the Air Force) degree, plus I've found the University of Maryland has the English degree I want, which I can earn on-line.  Since I've been in the Air Force more than 4 years, I keep my 100% tuition assistance when I get out.  So no worries there.  Plus, with the English degree, I could apply for a transcriptionist job which I've seen being offered to military spouses more often lately.  It's a work from home job that could move with me no matter where Patrick gets transferred to, so I wouldn't have to worry about always changing jobs.

When I get out, I'll have served 10 years.  A few of the guys at work were saying "Well, you'd be halfway to retirement!  Why not just stay?".  And the answer is I wouldn't be dedicated to the job.  I'd always be thinking about Cara (and however may siblings she ends up having) instead of my job.  And that's not fair to the Air Force, myself, or anyone else for that matter.  Money might be a little tight for a while, but we'll be okay.  We've already started saving as much as we can, and except for the car payment, we are completely debt-free right now.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say in a very, VERY disjointed way, is that I am currently plotting my freedom.  And it's never felt both so close and so frustratingly far away.

End rant!

Hmm...this was actually a bit longer than even I anticipated.  And quite a bit of a pity-fest.  I'm sorry.

So instead, let's have some new Cara pictures!  You should go look at her site...I'll be posting them within the hour.

EDIT:  Pictures up!  Woot!